The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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