they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
