when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
