you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.