I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are