shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
