I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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