Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
