i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize