So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
