I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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