i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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