Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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