clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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