Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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