Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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