You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
