Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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