I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
