I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
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I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
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Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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