genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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