I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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