Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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