i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
