just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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