at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
