I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
