im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
