She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
