don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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