Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
