i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
