i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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