I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
