I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
