so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
