I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she smelled like a LAN party
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
