ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
