So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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