My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
