She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
