Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
