To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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