I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You pole danced in your parka.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
