god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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