Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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