Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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