Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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