I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I want her autograph on my taint
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
