apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He has the fingertips of a God
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