I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
