Im at strip club and am horny
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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