Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This house was built for laser tag.
He passed out mid-signature
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
