Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
