she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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