cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sarcasm needs its own font
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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