Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He felt like a one man threesome
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
