So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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