It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
