Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
