my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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